Outside of its unsavory name, the iPad unveiled yesterday by Steve Jobs was honestly a total success all around. Let’s get into why the iPad is changing the internet as we know it, and not hold back the truth.

First of all, the internet is used 75% for porn. That is the internet’s primary purpose: to become an infinite spank bank of images and videos, to finally redeem this puritanical bullshit world we put up with. Amazing? Yes it is. The internet has revolutionized relationships, sex, and the self-loving act of masturbation. However, where are we now, in a pre-iPad world with internet porn? I mean, do we need to improve upon it?

The answer is yes. We desperately need to expand how we are masturbating, and use different hands. Sometimes use the left hand, sometimes use the right hand and honestly, we need to stop choking ourselves with our laptop keyboards to induce auto erotic asphyxiation. Because as we’ve learned from countless of people like David Carradine, that strangling ourselves to have a better orgasm is counter productive. We can’t jerk ourselves off to death, that is not evolution.

So it’s 2010, enter; The iPad. We’ve let ourselves become accountable for the quality of images, increased the size from our cell phones after trying unsuccessfully to become aroused by tiny 2 inch images of boobs, and using the heat of the laptop to mimic the aspect of human touch. We’ve found a middle ground. A way to masturbate, as if you were holding a picture frame, and endlessly stared into that image, as we pleasure ourselves. What better way to evolve as humans, then juxtaposing that capability with every other known way to contact other humans, entertain ourselves, add numbers, keep track of time, appointments, and write college term papers. Because we need to masturbate, and be productive people. This is why we need more personal electronic devices. This is not a mere invention, it is the calling from our soul, from our deepest levels of intention and wisdom, from our highest intelligence. From apple computers, to you, the dude with the stain on his shirt.

If this doesn’t make you want one, what if it was only $500.00 bucks? No? Yeah me neither.

Let me just say, if I fucked Tiger Woods, I’d keep all the text messages saved in my phone too. The plane ticket to Australia? That shit’s going in a safety deposit box. The used rubbers? I’m framing them and hanging them above my mantle, because evidently, they’d be worth millions of dollars in press interviews and photo shoots for Playboy.

Of course, if Tiger Woods wasn’t as famous as he is, nobody would even really give a fuck. When Charlie Sheen was banging hookers, people barely raised an eyebrow. But Tiger Woods was such a good guy. You just pictured him in his golf sweaters at Christmas, getting another box of golf balls, sipping egg nog, and loving his wife. BUT NOPE! He’s the modern day Wilt Chamberlain. Because if you’re a superstar, you can bang at least a couple really hot famous girls, OR a whole lot of regular girls. Looks like Tiger went somewhere in between.

Plus, it looks worse than we’re even letting onto! How many gifts have these girls milked from Tiger? Get ready for a whole slew of receipts to surface, because if he’s got a whole team of his cronies working on his booty calls, and sending them to Australia, you know they got hit off with a tennis bracelet, or a necklace. That’s high class hookery people. HOOKERY in the tenth degree.

This song wasn’t about producing the best comedy song I could make, I’ll admit that. What I wanted was to be the first person to slam them in a song, and it somehow it paid off. As I said in my last post, the Rachel Maddow show showed a snippet of my song. I also made an appearance in these places:

The biggest shocker was reading my YouTube google analytics that told me that the most hits I got on the web, from any site was a site in Korea. Since I can’t read Korean, I couldn’t find where the link to my video was, but I’m a little confused how that happened. If anyone who speaks Korean can tell me what that’s all about the link is here:

Needless to say I was THRILLED to see my video on Rachel Maddow last night. I am a huge fan. She is liberal mafia elite. I am still reveling in my smug, and better than you feelings about this. These are all inside political jokes between Rachel Maddow and myself of course, because, as you can see from this video. We down like the peanut butter and jelly.