
Outside of its unsavory name, the iPad unveiled yesterday by Steve Jobs was honestly a total success all around. Let’s get into why the iPad is changing the internet as we know it, and not hold back the truth.
First of all, the internet is used 75% for porn. That is the internet’s primary purpose: to become an infinite spank bank of images and videos, to finally redeem this puritanical bullshit world we put up with. Amazing? Yes it is. The internet has revolutionized relationships, sex, and the self-loving act of masturbation. However, where are we now, in a pre-iPad world with internet porn? I mean, do we need to improve upon it?
The answer is yes. We desperately need to expand how we are masturbating, and use different hands. Sometimes use the left hand, sometimes use the right hand and honestly, we need to stop choking ourselves with our laptop keyboards to induce auto erotic asphyxiation. Because as we’ve learned from countless of people like David Carradine, that strangling ourselves to have a better orgasm is counter productive. We can’t jerk ourselves off to death, that is not evolution.
So it’s 2010, enter; The iPad. We’ve let ourselves become accountable for the quality of images, increased the size from our cell phones after trying unsuccessfully to become aroused by tiny 2 inch images of boobs, and using the heat of the laptop to mimic the aspect of human touch. We’ve found a middle ground. A way to masturbate, as if you were holding a picture frame, and endlessly stared into that image, as we pleasure ourselves. What better way to evolve as humans, then juxtaposing that capability with every other known way to contact other humans, entertain ourselves, add numbers, keep track of time, appointments, and write college term papers. Because we need to masturbate, and be productive people. This is why we need more personal electronic devices. This is not a mere invention, it is the calling from our soul, from our deepest levels of intention and wisdom, from our highest intelligence. From apple computers, to you, the dude with the stain on his shirt.
If this doesn’t make you want one, what if it was only $500.00 bucks? No? Yeah me neither.





